Previously abusive dog owners—do they deserve another chance?
ByLast September while visiting my sister and BIL, I found my sixteen year old nephew “helicoptering” his three year old bulldog by a choke chain
After I bawled the sh!t out of him, I told his parents, who grounded him and gave him a stern lecture. I realize I should have insisted they get rid of the dog, but it was family and the dog was not otherwise abused, so my judgment was hazy.
Anyways, I went back in December, and on multiple occasions found him teasing the dog, physically abusing the dog(kicking around, etc.) and just being a general @ss. During this time he was also expelled from school for confiscated drugs.
So this time, after helping my sister find the dog a new home, I suggested my nephew come out to my farm for a visit. My sister eagerly welcomed any help. He came out in January.
I live on a 10 acre rural farm devoted to my six dogs and twenty-some cats. I have a blue merle border collie, a labrador retriever, two australian cattle dogs, a german shepherd dog, and an english setter.
I’m also, for the last eight months, fostering two pitbull mixes and some sort of large heinz 57.
All my dogs, despite different breeds/personalities, have been S/Ned and get along great thanks to excessive socialization and proper introductions.
If you can’t already see where this is going…my nephew spent everyday of three months outside with my dogs–I supervised, but also gave him his share of work to do; feeding, exercising, cleaning up after… and surprise surprise, all it took was some strong handed leadership and he’s a completely changed person.
He’s great with my dogs, and has learned everything from the basics of agility course training to how to wear out high energy pitbulls with a flirt pole.
I take great pride in how I care for my dogs…apart from buying all my dogs from extremely reputable breeders, i feed them high end kibble, provide extensive vet care, and provide a healthy amount of exercise to keep them lean and healthy.
I have spent the last 3months teaching my nephew how to provide that care.
He returned home the end of March, and is already asking his parents to take him to the shelter and buy him a dog. They think it’s great that he’s learned what he has, and are seeing a wonderful change, but I’m not so sure.
He’s certainly doing better, and I want to encourage his improvements, but I’m worried that going back home to his old influences may send him back into old behavior. His parents are going to stand by my decision, so whether they get him another dog is on me. I need opinions!!!
14 Comments
May 12th, 2011 at 4:43 pm
Do people change? yes. Should he get a second chance? Yes but not this fast. Make a bargain with him and make him prove himself. 1 year free of issues and he gets a dog. One act out before or after the dog and its never again.
He is a kid and teen years are hard. If he has really grown he will accept this and strive for it.
May 12th, 2011 at 5:09 pm
I say yes and no. People learn from there mistakes and i applaud you from actually taking the time and helping you nephew he is a kid after all but I think it is too soon to let him have a dog of his own tell him he first has to straighten up his life and then maybe volunteer at the local rescue shelter before he actually become another owner.
Is someone just going around clicking thumbs down on everyone’s answer or is it just me that noticed that
May 12th, 2011 at 5:32 pm
Hmmm I just don’t know, it’s great that he bonded with your dogs, and treated them well, but what about his dog? You know when you stay at someones house, and you kinda act different? I think maybe he was acting like that. I think maybe an adult dog, could do well, not a puppy that could have accidents which could make him annoyed. It’s a hard situation, and I think maybe wait a month or two to see how he does at home before he gets another dog.
May 12th, 2011 at 5:44 pm
I think the decision should be made on a case by case basis. People can learn from their mistakes. Especially children, who often make bad choices due to their lack of experience and training. If you have seen changes in him and you have given him proper training on how to care for dogs, then he might deserve another chance. Also seeing that you and his parents have faith in him, would probably mean a lot to him. You may want to see if he can keep up his good behavior at home first before letting him have a dog. Or maybe him having a dog to care for will keep him out of trouble. It’s a tough decision.
May 12th, 2011 at 5:50 pm
NO I do not. When I was younger my brother abused my dog pretty badly. He was 15. That was quite a few years ago, he is now grown. He had to stay with our mom recently for a while and while there he kicked the sh*t out of her cat and he never did anything in those years between. The cat was limping for a day. I do not trust him around my pets and they’re never around him because I don’t trust him. Think of it this way, if someone raped and beat a child in the past would you trust them with your kid or want them to have kids…
May 12th, 2011 at 6:37 pm
Wow, can I come work on your farm? JEALOUS!
The problem lies with his parents. If they aren’t consistent in the discipline of this child, then he WILL go back to his old ways.
It’s really tough to say. Could they maybe foster a dog for a shelter or rescue? Then, they can test the waters with this boy to see if he has indeed changed. Or, allow him to regularly go to your farm and work for you.
I don’t know if you can afford it, but maybe offer to pay him a little bit. Nothing like a little cash to whip the responsibility into a teenager!
** JAZZY: Yes, I noticed. I don’t get it! I give everybody thumbs up.
May 12th, 2011 at 7:12 pm
That all depends on how the parents will supervise the situation, kids should be given a second chance but you are talking about major issues with this kid, drugs, animal abuse etc. I am leary of the parents that did not address the problems to begin with and relied on you to fix their kid
Remember you will not be there to supervise
May 12th, 2011 at 7:55 pm
I say yes and no. For him, I think he could get a second chance, but I would still wait a little longer. For Michael Vick who is asking to get a dog, I say no way in hell, since he did a little more than just abuse dogs.
Kids can learn. I hate to admit it, but when I was a kid, I “tortured” my cat. I used to lock her in cabinets and drawers and just terrorize the hell out of her. Then I grew up and realized how wrong that was and I’ve never done anything like that since. Adults who do it is a different story. They should know by then that it’s not ok.
May 12th, 2011 at 8:44 pm
It depends if the abuse is from ignorance or nastiness.
The ignorant abusers can be educated, and change their attitude, as seen with your nephew (although it might be just a temporary act).
The nasty abusers can never be trusted.
Regarding your nephew, It’s way too soon. He’s only been back home a couple of weeks, so I’d still consider him to be “on probation” and want him to prove himself for a while longer (at least 6 months) before allowing him to get another dog.
Let’s not forget, he was 16 years old, and over a period from Sept-Dec (at least that you saw for yourself) he was “swinging the dog around using a choke chain” & “kicking sh*t out of the dog”. This isn’t a 6 year old that doesn’t know any better. This is a grown 16 year old.
Sorry, but he sounds like a psycopathic nutcase.
I’d also be wondering how much his parents contributed to his past behaviour, what sort of consistent discipline & supervision they give him? And if they will allow him to slip back into his old behaviour.
How is he with doing household chores now he is back home? Give him a list of chores to do around the house (gardening, yard-work, car-washing, emptying trash, going to the store, getting up early, walking the nieghbours dog, etc etc) and see if his attitude & willingness will last, before giving him what he wants.
May 12th, 2011 at 9:32 pm
In general I believe once an abuser, always an abuser. The old saying “People do not change” is true. And after years of working in criminal justice and studying prison programs there is no such thing as rehabilitation for the most part. Ask anyone who works in such programs and they will tell you the same. Sometimes kids are different if it is a matter of learning however the FBI now follows animal abusers especially kids because of direct connections from animal abuse to more violent crimes later in life. All of the worlds most famous serial killers all abused animals first. With all that being said did your nephew abuse the animals because of emotional/physiological issues or because he has never been taught. Which for me that is a hard sell, you have to be pretty cold hearted to hurt an animal, it is a matter of EMPATHY/SYMPATHY and not having the empathy and sympathy is a huge concern. People can modify their behavior for a short time but they never change. Something made him hurt those animals in the first place and if that reason was not addressed it is still in him no matter who his friends are or what he is doing.
May 12th, 2011 at 9:50 pm
NO! Very rarely do people change, and it’s almost never young ones. I’ve seen that act before-even in people close to me. Yeah, they’re a changed person alright-till they get back to their friends. I’ve seen this happen over and over when people around my age (I’m 20) were released from jail/juvie. I promise that this improvement was almost exclusively due to being cut off from his buddies and lifestyle. I have only ever seen one person turn over a new leaf and that was my father when he quit drinking. He was 54. I would not trust this boy, not now, maybe not ever. And definitely not if he continues hanging out with the same crowd.
May 12th, 2011 at 10:47 pm
I have done research on this topic before. I will try and find links and post.
One thing I have read in research stood out – children KNOW what they are doing. So, its not a delusional activity. However, what has also been statistically reported is that children who abuse animals are often victims of violence and/or abuse themselves.
I know how this sounds. But you asked.
To be clear – “Abuse” (for me) does not necessarily imply molestation. It can be verbally demeaning language, or a combination of violence, verbal bullying and other degrading behaviors.
It can also come from sources outside the home – so I’m not pointing my finger at his parents (although I cannot rule them out because I don’t know anyone here and I’m just trying to be objective). Given his age, and knowing the way teenagers can be these days, I think its a real possibility he is being bullied at school, by classmates, or even a teacher.
The fact he responded to you tells me the child is not mean. And in an environment where he thrives and feels safe and secure, loved, he obviously has really blossomed.
What I would want to know is: what is his home life like? How is he doing in school (beyond the drug thing…) Is there any evidence from the school that he has had problems with other kids.
They are putting a considerable amount of responsibility on you – and I feel its a bit risky because I think its putting all the eggs in one basket.
To sum my view up: I don’t believe the boy is evil or cruel – I believe he (was) is angry. I believe his anger was (as corny as this sounds) a cry for help – and hurting the dog was his way of getting attention. And it worked. Abuse is a cycle and the weakest member of the family is the target – in this case, its the dog.
If they are asking for your input, I think you owe it to this boy to ask him privately what has been going on. You have earned the right to ask and I think a child of 16 deserves to be included in the decision. Never mind the dog abuse – that is behind him now. Don’t make him relive that. What you want to know is how the rest of his life is going.
The hardest thing a child faces is ratting out his parents, relatives, or schoolmates. After spending time with you, I believe the child would be responsive and tell you the truth. Of course, It takes courage to act on it. Which is why I think you alone should not be burdened with this – I feel the boy should also agree to get professional help and this should be a “condition” of any future decision to get another dog.
I would not jump in with both feet just yet – but I also think its important you don’t frame it with the boy that he cannot be trusted. Because if he feels you don’t trust him – everything you have done to turn him around will collapse and I expect he will revert to his old behaviours.
I think you have been the chance this child needs to turn his life around – its a wonderful story – I hope you can help him find his way. That means being honest with him, telling him how proud you are of him, but also, that just jumping back into dog ownership may not be fair to him or the dog.
I’m saying you explain there is a longer term plan..and that his time with you on the farm was Phase 1. Phase II is counselling, return to school, getting good grades, no drugs etc etc.
I would NOT promise a date WHEN – or even if. I’m concerned that the parents are using the dog as an excuse to ignore the bigger issues.
I do NOT believe a dog should be perceived as a reward for good behavior. Its not an X-box – is a living, breathing sentinent creature. He should have a dog when he can care for it, and manage the rest of his responsibilities like a young adult. Right now, he has yet to demonstrate he can manage all that responsibility.
PS: YOu can see I really don’t think this is a dog question – I think the question belongs in the family/psychology section – and I’m not a professional therapist, however, I have had experience with victims of violence and troubled teens…so you could say I’m speaking from (some) layperson experience.
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Here is one link – I really feel the boy should visit a professional immediately and have weekly sessions. Whatever was going on – the dog became the target. Now that the dog is gone – something or some ONE else will have to take its place – unless the root of the problem is identified – and resolved.
http://www.waycooldogs.com/correlation-between-domestic-violence-and-animal-abuse/
May 12th, 2011 at 11:38 pm
Give him some time to show if he is going to really change for good.
In fact, he should get a job and earn the dog if he wants one, rather than having mommy and daddy just get one for him. He will be much more likely to take care of something he had to earn.
May 13th, 2011 at 12:14 am
I agree with Rotts (again). Kid’s returning to situation that allowed abuse to occur in the first place. You gave him a great experience that will hopefully help, but the parents won’t watch him like you.
On the other hand, this may be the life-changing experience he needed, and respect and trust might be what he needs now.
What about having him volunteer at a shelter, where he can earn that respect and trust, demonstrate reliability and responsibility, and in time (Mama Tex’s year) earnthe right to a dog.
You prepped him well for shelter work. Let him continue.